Thursday, July 4, 2013

Amy’s Odyssey

Y’all know that thing people say when something bad happens? One day you’ll look back upon this and laugh. Well, I’m not waiting for later. I want to laugh now and then FORGET the beginning and ending of evil trip from hell ever happened. The middle part was cool as you'll see from the next post.

- My first flight was cancelled and the next flight out of the island was three days later. It's fine. I aimed to arrive there a week earlier so I'd have time to get used to the language change and have a few vacation days. It's not fine, because my trip to Niagara Falls just fell apart.

- Three days later the flight is delayed so much that I would loose the connecting flight, so they set me up with another airline…only it required me to drive three hours to the capital city where the main airport is. It was 3:45am and the flight left at 7am.

- I haul ass to the main airport and get there on time but late, and by that I mean that TSA is so slow that when I get to the gate everyone is already on board and me and four others are kindly asked to check in our carry-on bag because there is no more space. This is where I point out I have issue with checking in bags when I'm in connecting flights. But I keep my cool as we’re asked to take out valuables and electronics. Then the girl beside me stares at the airline girl and says, “My clothes are valuable.” I try not to laugh.

- Flight goes smooth. This new airline  has TV’s on the back of seats unlike the one I usually fly with and I comfortably watch two movies…by which I mean, I slept through both movies and drooled all over myself.

- We're let out at terminal B, where I immediately head first to the bathroom and then search for the monitors to see where is my connecting flight. I walk and walk and walk…and walk…Atlanta’s airport is freaking huge people…and walk and find the monitors. I try not to groan as I see the flight departs from an entirely different terminal.

- Walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk...hopefully all the walking burned the calories from the huge burger I ate before finding terminal A. Now, on terminal A I need to find A3, which of course is at the END of the damned corridor. Walk walk walk walk... 

- I've almost a full hour to wait so I head to the CNN shop to browse stuff. End up buying a magazine featuring the cast from Divergent. I go off on a daydream of escaping to Chicago and sneaking in on the set to meet the cast in person, so that when I sit I fail to notice the people around me until..."You're getting on MY plane?" And I turn to find Scott Johnson, most beloved and feared mentor at SHU. I, of course, proceed to make an ass of myself by first making him think I'm not someone from the program and them completely cutting off all conversation because my mind went blank. In my defense, I was operating with only two hours of sleep, but note to self: keep working on those conversation skills.

- An hour later we board. I take my seat and wait. Then I notice the old guy sitting one row in front and across from me zooming in and out porn pictures on his iPhone. SERIOUSLY. On a plane? Then the guy sitting beside me starts to fidget...a lot. The in the middle of a big silence the sound of his zipper going up. AWKWARD. So I had Scott’s red sneaker at the edge of my vision, porn right across from me, and a restless and embarrassed cute guy beside me. I put in my earbuds and closed my eyes.

- The landing was a riot. The plane had identity issues and believed itself to be one of those hydraulic cars that jump in the front. Yeah. The guy beside me woke up to exclaim “Soul Train!” at which several people laughed, including me. Then he very enthusiastically complimented my nails. I’ve no idea what face I made, but he quickly corrected, “Color for a car. I mean, it would look awesome on a car…right?” My answer, “Of course.”

The Residency week with my SHU friends was awesome! More on that in a separate post :)

Return Flight...
- Flight was on time. I was one of the first people to get in the plane, so I didn't have to check in my suitcase. Everything was going perfect, except for the whining guy in front and his mother sitting beside me. Plane pulled out of the gate, went down the runway, stopped to the side before getting on the main runway for takeoff...and then…and then we we're sent back because of a mechanical problem! The desire to cry was strong.

- After some 20 tense minutes, the problem solved. The Captain proceeded to explain that it was a simple matter of resetting the airplane's computer that had frozen up, and he didn’t know how to do it because (and this is a direct quote) “it’s above my pay rate.” So, I’m sitting there thinking if the computer fucks up again mid-flight we’re doomed. DOOMED.

- We arrived at Ft. Lauderdale without any doom, but with a bit of gloom since it was raining. I mentally prepared myself for the 8hr layover. First thing I did was secure water and food, then found a seat near the windows in case the sun cane out and I could warm up.

- The benches there are like four seats welded together. I sat on one side, took out my laptop and started to work. Then something crash landed onto my bench almost unseating me. I looked to the side and realized a man has taken residence on the other side on the bench. The thing was really unstable so that each time he moved it rattled the whole thing. You might wonder why I didn’t move away to another seat. The answer is simple. He was on the phone. First, he fought with an employee about some cars being delivered wrong. Then fought with another employee about not finding a truck, because ‘how the fuck do you lose a truck!?” It’s a very good question and it rhymed so I found it extra funny. The third call however was the highlight of his stay at my bench. I’ve no idea what role the woman on the other side had (wife, girlfriend, concubine) but the man proceeded to tell her in great detail how “much I miss you…want to be inside…it feels good…so good…next time, I’ll take you to (on?) the rooftop.” And that was my cue to put on some headphones.

- Later, I met Florida Barbie. She sat beside me, took out a makeup bag and proceeded to apply every single tube, cream, and powder she had in there. I was afraid of a chemical explosion from all the mixing of creams she did, so I moved one seat over.

- Hunger struck at 8pm, so I set out on a hunt for food. When I returned there were NO SEATS left. I’d no idea when the herds of people arrived, probably while I was deciding which cold sandwich was less disgusting. There were people everywhere. So, before I could panic, I made myself a small and sat against a column between the benches. The lady in front of me had to be in her late fifties, but she was rocking some serious black leather pants, and a black coat which said ‘Made in Italy.’ I stroked the coat's arms while she wasn't looking. I believe the label was legit.

- After a 10 hour layover, I got on the final plane of this trip at 1:50am. There were two crying babies, one in front and one in back, you know, to get the full surround sound experience. Skullcandy earbuds I worship thee. Luckily, the flight went by pretty quick. Pilot flew like it was Fast & Furious: Plane Edition and we got to Puerto Rico in record time of 2hours, shaving off a full 30mins.

- To close off the adventure, Dad’s driving was worse than all the trip’s landings combined.

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